


Regrets

by svtstarlight



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Gen, I Made Myself Cry, I love my boys, San's point of view, Sorry Wooyoungie and Seonghwa-bb, Yeosang is too pure for this world, but i couldn't kill him so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 15:19:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19231762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svtstarlight/pseuds/svtstarlight
Summary: One rainy night changes everything.





	Regrets

San would always remember the sounds from that night. The screech of tires, the cries of shock and fear, the creaking of twisting metal, the screams, and then worst of all, the silence. He could remember the smells: rainwater, hot metal and motor oil, blood. And he could remember the feelings, the happiness and excitement turned to shock and overwhelming pain, and grief. 

But the sights… that he had very little memory of, apart from the last time he'd seen his best friend, asleep beside him and leaning against the window that would end up killing him. His shoulders shaking as he cried, San clung to the pillow they'd given him, sobbing. They'd told him later that Seonghwa had also been killed, his pretty face smashed on the asphalt as the bus crumpled onto its side on the road. It had been painless, they said; Seonghwa had been asleep like Wooyoung, when the accident occurred. 

They had all changed, though how could they not? Two of their best friends had been killed and Hongjoong had gone from friendly and outgoing to quiet and fearful after the accident, suffering from nightmares that slowly seemed to be taking him from them too. Neither Yunho nor Mingi smiled or joked around anymore, and Yeosang, who had been quiet anyway, had become completely mute and barely responsive from the shock of losing the members he loved the most. San had been told Jongho may never be able to walk properly again, and most certainly would not be able to dance. He still had his voice, but what good was that to an idol who also relied on his skills as a dancer? 

And San himself was blind, as he had found out after waking up after surgery to repair the damage from the same accident that had claimed his friends. His head injuries had been horrific, and he had to count himself lucky not to have lost more than he had. Or so he'd been told. He found it hard to feel lucky when the same injuries he had somehow survived had killed Wooyoung. 

He didn't really feel lucky at all. Not when he'd lost his soulmate, his partner in crime, his best friend. What good was life when San had lost the person who made everything bearable and worth all the pain and suffering? Yes, he still had the remaining members of his group, but they were suffering too, and for the same reason. 

San turned to face the other bed in the room where Yunho had told him Yeosang sat staring off into space, barely responding to anything or anyone. He didn't understand why they'd put Yeosang in with him; he couldn't see, and Yeosang wouldn't talk. Not the easiest way to keep their relationship going. Though he suspected it was because they'd both lost someone precious to them, and so might find understanding, if not solace. 

Maybe if Yeosang couldn't talk, San could talk for him. And to him - after all, San had plenty of practice at talking while everyone else did their own thing. He wiped at his eyes, sniffling as he tried to stop crying so he could talk. 

"I'm jealous of you, Yeosang," he said quietly, his voice rough from his tears. "You knew him before. Wooyoungie even came here because of you. I think… I really do think he loved you the most, y'know? Even if he didn't or couldn't show it." 

His breath caught as he remembered all the little things Wooyoung would do for Yeosang to make things easier for him. Wooyoung would do anything for Yeosang, and for San too, he knew, but it always seemed to be Yeosang first. 

"I really miss him," San continued, starting to cry again. "I know he is… _was_ … annoying sometimes, and loud _all_ the time, but it was fun. _He_ was fun. And sweet." And kind, and so talented it sometimes made him jealous too. Wooyoung was just that kind of person that even if he annoyed you to hell and back, you could never hate him. 

San had to stop, overwhelmed by his grief. If he'd had his Shiber plushie, he'd have hugged that, but in a fit of rage and pain, he'd thrown it away and told his sister he never wanted to 'see' it again. It had reminded him too much of happier times with Wooyoung and Seonghwa and the others, times they'd never get to experience again. Instead, San hugged the tearstained pillow, desperately trying to muffle his crying. It hurt so much. 

What also hurt was that he'd never get the chance to apologise to Seonghwa for teasing him mercilessly, for helping Wooyoung bully him, and for just generally being a pain in the ass. Seonghwa might have complained, but San knew Seonghwa adored them all and allowed them the leeway to do things others might not have. He was grateful for that too, but it was yet another thing he'd never get to say, which caused him pain. 

"I wish… I wish Seonghwa-hyung was here," he choked out, unable to hold it back. He was sure he'd heard Yeosang make a strange noise, but as he couldn't see him, it was hard to tell for sure. "I miss his OCD cleaning, the way he just knows how to say the right thing at the right time when you need it…" 

"I didn't appreciate him enough, I never told him how much his friendship means to me…" 

San's voice cracked as he spoke, his words muffled by the pillow. He ignored the way he mixed his tenses while speaking of their friends; he didn't care, and he was sure Yeosang didn't either, even if he'd retreated so far into himself he wasn't aware of much anymore. Though San had to wonder about that, because he clearly heard muffled sobs coming from Yeosang's direction. 

"Seonghwa-hyung loved you too, you know," he said quietly, his voice breaking. "You were his favourite, but I don't think any of us minded…" The more Seonghwa clung to Yeosang, the less time he spent nagging them, a win-win situation all around, San thought. He chuckled softly, though it still sounded a bit strangled. "We all… you're everyone's favourite. You're just too cute and adorable not to be. It's not hard to see why _they_ loved you so much." 

San carefully sat up, searching by feel until he had untangled the IV line enough for him to get out of bed. He dragged the pole with him as he felt his way around his bed and warily over to Yeosang's, his hands running over the soft blanket until he found Yeosang's leg, then up until he reached his side. Unable to resist, San lightly tickled him until Yeosang slapped his hand away, then grabbed him before Yeosang could pull away. 

"I knew you were in there somewhere," San murmured, squeezing Yeosang's hand in his. "I miss them so much. I miss _you_ too." Though Yeosang didn't reply, he squeezed San's hand back weakly. "It's ok if you don't want to talk. I can do enough of that for the both of us…" 

And maybe, just maybe, that would be enough for now.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kind of not in a very happy place right now, so my friend and occasional partner in crime *waves hi to Jill* suggested I do what I do best, aka kill ppl off. So here ya go. (I am so sorry, Wooyoungie and Seonghwa-bb, you know I love ya, right?) 
> 
> Thank you to Jill and Evie for the hand-holding that got me through this... *all the hearts* 
> 
> And yes, I cried almost the entire way through this thing. T.T


End file.
